


Fields of Fire

by Khurts110



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Book/Movie 1: The Hunger Games, Book/Movie 2: Catching Fire, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gale's kind of an ass, Hunger Games, Miscarriage, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vulnerable Katniss Everdeen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29496150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khurts110/pseuds/Khurts110
Summary: What happens if Katniss and Peeta don't shut each other out after the 74th Hunger Games? AU where they develop a friendship and feelings as they try to heal from the atrocities of the arena and the Capitol."I craved the dandelion fields of serenity but all I saw in my dreams were fields of fire."
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Gale Hawthorne, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 16
Kudos: 42





	1. Where do we go from here?

“It was all for the Games,” Peeta says. “How you acted.”

“Not all of it,” I say.

“Then how much of it?” The hurt in his eyes makes my heart clench. I never meant to hurt his feelings. I never meant for things to escalate the way they did but being the "star-crossed lovers" is what saved us and I can’t regret that for a second. 

“Peeta...the closer we get to District 12, the more confused I get. I...I’m not good with saying something, remember? That wasn’t for the cameras. That was true,” I admit as my breathing picks up with my growing anxiety. “And...I did what I did to get us out of there alive. I don’t regret that for a second. I don’t know how much of it was true and how much of it was survival...but it wasn’t all for the cameras, okay?” 

I don’t realize what I’ve just admitted to him until after I huff it out and see the scowl on his face change to surprise. I don’t know what came over me but I suddenly feel that I’ve just complicated things further than they already are.

“So...where does this leave us?” he asks solemnly. 

“I don’t know, Peeta. I know that…I mean...Haymitch said he didn’t need to warn you or coach you because  _ you were already there _ . Can you understand that this has all happened too fast for me? You’ve had years to think about your feelings...I had weeks in a death arena,” I say sadly. 

I don’t know how to express that the need to survive took over and made me say and do things I would never say and do outside of the Games, whereas, he, already nurturing feelings for me, was liberated to finally show them. I want him to know that despite that, it does not mean that I am indifferent to him. I just don’t want to lead him on and give him hope for something that I have always been determined to avoid. People like me aren’t in the business of giving hope. We're just in it to survive long enough to keep our loved ones alive. I wonder if that's a trait specific to the Seam or if it's just something that's broken within myself.

I try to sort through these thoughts as I give him time to come to terms with everything he’s just learned. I find myself hoping he can forgive me more than anything. It’s difficult to admit to myself that I don’t know what I’ll do if he hates me after this. It would be a cruel twist of fate to leave the arena with him only for whatever friendship we were beginning to have to die. 

He sighs deeply and drags a hand over his face before staring out of the wide window view of the train we’re on. The trees and endless blue sky zip past us in peace. He looks defeated and I don’t know what to do with the overwhelming need I have to comfort him even though I know I am the reason he’s suffering now. 

“Katniss...it wouldn’t be fair to hold you to everything from the Games," he finally says. "You saved us. I know that. I can’t be angry with you for the things you did to get us out of there. So if you can stop looking at me like I’m wounded then I don’t have to act like I am,” he finishes off with a gentle smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“I don’t want us to change, Peeta. I don’t want you to...go away after this,” I admit as a creeping and selfish fear takes over. I’m reminded of the moment the hovercraft took us from the arena and he was kept away from me to be healed. I wasn’t allowed to see him until our interview with Caesar and it was agonizing to be apart after having been together in the arena. The nightmares began the first night I slept by myself.

“I’m not going anywhere, Katniss. It’s not easy for me...but I’m going to try because I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all. Whenever you sort your feelings I’ll be here waiting, regardless of the outcome,” he says.

I don’t know why I feared he’d hate me. How could he? Peeta Mellark, the boy with the bread, was too kind to shut me out. I find that I am relieved that despite all their best (or worst) efforts, the Capitol had not changed the best part of him after all. 

*****

“It wasn’t an act, was it?” he says and I hear the accusation in his voice that makes me cringe and want to run away from him. I suspected he would be upset, how could he not? I had given up my own morals to become entertainment for the scum of the Capitol. I gave them the show they wanted. 

“I did what I had to do to survive. You would’ve done the same if you were in my position,” I retort with more fire than I intended to use. This was not going as planned. He wasn't supposed to be glaring angrily at me, not after finally getting time alone to talk. Since the cameras remained for our return and he was forced to work in the mines six days a week, this was the first time since my return that we were truly alone and safe from any Capitol ears.

“Yeah, but it’s more than that now," he spits out angrily. "I can see it when you two are together. You’re not performing for the masse anymore. So why are you sneaking into the forest with me now? Just...don't lie to me and and don't string me along,” he fires back and I feel my mouth gape open. How dare he? How dare he put me in this position. He’s supposed to be my best friend and he’s acting like a wounded boy holding something over me. We were never even together before I left. He never expressed anything beyond a deep friendship. A companionship forged in hunger and the need to survive. 

“No one is stringing anyone along! And you’re not listening to me, Gale! I don’t know what I feel for him but I thought you at least knew what I felt for  _ you _ . I thought you would understand how hard this is for me,” I yell back. I’m glad for the solitude of the forest. This conversation amongst  _ cousins  _ couldn't be heard in town.

“Guess we were both wrong,” he says in anger and begins to walk away from me and back towards the fence to 12. I don't understand where his anger is coming from or why he refuses to actually talk to me about it. I call back for him, still wanting to clear the air between us and find some semblance of normalcy and he savagely mutters for me to go find Peeta because he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Once I’ve finished crying my frustrations out alone in the forest surrounded by the trees, I do go find Peeta.


	2. Lakes and Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta get to know each other as the days in District 12 continue to pass after their return from the Capitol.

“It’s just a little further up,” I say to him. I know this trip is hard on him as he’s still getting used to his prosthetic but I saw the look in his eye this morning as he brought over warm bread for my family to eat for breakfast; he needed to get away from everything for a while. He needed to find some peace. What better place to find peace than the lake my father shared with me so long ago? 

“I’m sorry I’m so slow. It’s a little hard on this terrain. I feel like I’m a little off balance but like I’m also over compensating,” he says with a hint of embarrassment that I hate hearing in his voice. 

“Quit it. It’s not your fault. Besides, we’re here,” I say as I push through some brush to clear the hidden path we wore down to the shore so many years ago. I stop and close my eyes, taking in the familiar lake with all senses but my sight. I feel myself breathing deeply, as if my body has been holding in its breath and only now is able to release it. I can hear the water lapping softly and the mockingjays singing a song to each other. The air is crisp and smells of autumn and an oncoming cold that I know will be just as brutal as ever. Somehow, this is the only place where I can find peace, regardless of how it resembles the place whose memories now cause me to seize up in terror. 

“This is….beautiful,” he murmurs as he makes his way to the shore and takes it all in. I know his eye is capturing every little detail of the space, saving it for later where he can put it on a canvas. I’m glad I told him he should bring his sketchbook with him.

“It’s where I come when my mind can’t rest. This morning...well I recognized the look in your eyes,” I say sheepishly. I don’t want him to know how often I watch him when he’s not looking.

He nods in understanding. This is our new normal. We drift together in times like this because no one around us, aside from maybe Haymitch, can understand what the Games took from us. They took our peace. They took our safety. They took our comfort. In their places they left us with terror, guilt, and an ever-present sense of unease. 

“Who else...I mean, do you...does anyone come with you?” he asks in a rare moment of inarticulacy. He tries to tone down his feelings for me but sometimes I can see the sting of jealousy even if I know he doesn’t mean for it to make me feel awkward. He just can’t help it. I know it’s strange and entirely confusing for me to hide that ugly feeling when we’re in town together and the girls make no effort to hide the smiles and traveling gazes they have for him now. He’s always been popular and I know he had a lot of merchant friends before the Games but now the fame and title of  _ victor _ have earned him more attention. 

“No. I’ve only ever been here with my father. He’s the one that found this place and it was always our special spot. We would sneak off when he wasn’t in the mines and he would bring me here.” I’m flooded with memories I have suppressed for years, keeping them locked away to save my heart the ache I know they bring with them. I can still remember the excitement I felt when he first brought me with him to hunt. He would stop and point out every plant and animal he knew so that I could also learn how they would help me survive one day. 

“It’s where he taught me to swim and hunt and survive, I guess.” It’s liberating to talk about my father after so many years of bottling up our moments together within me. I’m reminded of the family plant book that I haven’t touched in years. I feel the urge to bring it out and give it light once more. It’s what my father would’ve wanted. 

“Thank you,” he says and he reaches for my hand to give it a gentle squeeze. It startles me out of the memories but I don’t let him go. It feels right being here with him in this place that was only mine and my father’s. 

“I know that it’s so much like…” I trail off, knowing he knows what I’m referring to, “but this is different. It’s home to me. I feel like I can breathe and think clearly here. I hope that it can be the same for you and bring you a little peace.” 

He pulls me in to his side for a hug and I don’t deny him the comfort because it’s mutual. I cling to his side for a moment before pulling away and unpacking the blankets and warm tea I packed for us. He hands me some soft bread from his pack and we sit together, leaning on each other and just breathing and thinking in the chill air of this autumn afternoon

*********

“You and Peeta are spending a lot of time together...does that mean that it was real?” she asks me and almost looks like she regrets bringing it up. I smile at her, letting her know nothing she says will ever upset me.

“It’s complicated, Little Duck. We’re not the same as before and...we need each other to get through the day sometimes. I don’t know what it all means,” I admit to her.

Prim, though still quite young, is observant and mature beyond her years. She, like I, had to grow up much faster than a child ever should. 

“You do love him though, even if you don’t know in what way yet. I can tell that much,” she says with a sure smile that makes me blush. “I like him,” she adds with a smile. “He’s always been so kind.”

In the weeks since we’ve been back I have found my feelings for Peeta intensifying. Sometimes it’s just quiet moments where we seek each other out to help when we’re wrapped up in the memories. We don’t always speak, usually he bakes or paints and I read or watch him.Other times, he joins me in the woods. There’s no hunting on those days since he scares off any potential game, but it’s peaceful whether we’re quiet or talking about anything and everything under the sun. 

We’ve even started working on my family’s plant book. I describe to him the plants, and he adds them to the book in perfect detail. Sometimes, if we can find them in the forest, he creates an almost picture-like copy on the page. He lets me write the description and its uses next to his creations and together we’ve expanded this family treasure so much since our return. 

It’s not awkward for us to naturally lean on each other for support. I open up to him about things, though grudgingly at first, but then it’s easier. He initiates those conversations, starting off with little things like what my favorite color is and then eventually the harder things, like why Gale and I don’t seem to be friends any more. I ask him what his favorite thing to bake is and eventually how his relationship with his abusive mother is now that he’s living in his own house.

We even find that visiting with Haymitch and making sure he’s alive is somewhat enjoyable. His house is always in disarray and has a permanently lingering smell of stale alcohol and vomit, but we do our best to make sure he’s alright. We often eat together and sometimes in the evenings, when Haymitch isn’t so far gone to the liquor, we even find some laughter. Usually it’s at Effie’s expense. It doesn’t take long to realize he might actually miss our vibrantly dressed escort when he’s back in District 12 with nothing but his nightmares for company. I find that I can relate to that. 

It’s both a blessing and a curse that Peeta and I have forged this bond. I am happy to finally get to know the boy with the bread and to have someone that truly understands the horrors I relive every time I close my eyes. It’s a curse that the Games had to happen to get us here. 

*****

“You look exhausted,” he says sadly. I know I look terrible because I feel terrible. I can see the dark circles under my eyes and the redness that never seems to leave the gray. I can imagine my pets in the Capital being offended by my appearance these days. 

“Really? That’s odd since I sleep  _ so  _ well in the lovely bed the Capitol  _ so  _ generously gave me with my beautiful home in Victor’s Village,” I shoot off sarcastically. He laughs it off, knowing that my foul mood has nothing to do with him. 

“Sorry. Dumb thing to point out, I guess,” he replies with a smile. “I...can’t sleep either. I spend most of the night painting or baking to keep myself distracted.” I’ve noticed the darkness under his eyes, though they’re not as prominent on his face as they are on mine. 

“I feel bad. I end up waking my mom and Prim when the nightmares are at their worst. I wish I could rest so they could get a decent night of sleep too.” it’s gotten so bad that my mother has suggested sleeping medication. I always turn it down, afraid that my willpower will not be enough to turn it into a self-medicated habit. I see the damage it’s done to my own mentor and it’s a slippery ledge I don’t want to fall off of.

“You can stay with me if you want,” he says nonchalantly as he continues to mix the deep green colors on his palette. He seems to realize what he’s said and tries to ease any tension he might have caused without even looking up from the painting he’s working on.

“I mean, you’re here all the time anyway and there are so many extra rooms. I really don’t mind if you want to stay here. It’s not like I sleep either so you won’t be disturbing my sleep,” he says casually but I can see the sudden tenseness in his shoulders as he tries to dissipate any awkward response on my part. 

I think about it for a second as I’m sprawled on a plush sofa in his living room. He has a studio but when I'm over he refrains from painting in there. The images on the canvases that litter the space are too much for me to relive and he silently decided that if it made me uncomfortable we wouldn’t ever have to enter that space together. It’s yet another way that Peeta puts my needs before his. 

I think about his offer and, though it brings a blush on my cheeks that I'm grateful he can’t see, it would help to agree. I know he suffers from the nightmares too and part of me wants to say yes just to protect him from them. If i’m close during those times maybe I could pull him back to reality like Prim and my mother have done for me countless nights. Part of me selfishly wants to be closer to him so he could help me get through my own. 

“I don’t know that my mom would approve of such an arrangement,” I say with a laugh to hide the warmth his suggestion brought on my cheeks. It’s a delicate line I walk, not wanting to take advantage of his feelings for me but still wanting to be near him.

“Yeah, you're probably right. Though it’ll probably be good for the cameras when they come back,” he says off-hand. We know that the Victory Tour is coming up and in less than a month we’ll have to leave this bubble of peace we’ve built and plunge deep into the chaos of the Capitol and everything in between. 

“Maybe we can take naps in the afternoons here,” I say to change the subject. “It’s too cold to do it by the lake now but at least here no one will bother us. When you come back from the bakery in the early afternoons we should do it. It’s quiet here,” I note. My house often has visitors to see my mother. I never feel enough peace to really sleep there.

“I’d like that,” he says to me and finally turns to face me. He smiles his signature Peeta smile, the one I now recognize as truly his and not for the cameras.

“Here,” he says as he tosses me a warm wool throw, “You should start now. I’ll wake you for dinner,” he says and then turns back to his painting. 

I don’t argue with him as I burrow deep into the warmth of his sofa surrounded in the blanket that smells like cinnamon and warm bread and something uniquely Peeta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like certain conversations that occurred in the movies/books and sometimes I change the context or who actually has said conversations. Anyone have favorite scenes that didn't make the movies? Always looking for new material that could sneak it's way into my writing :)


	3. Confrontations and Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss comes face to face with a couple of people she'd rather avoid. One is, admittedly, far worse than the other.

I’m regretting letting Peeta convince me that this was a good idea. I miss Gale, he was right to point that out, but I’m still unsure how to feel about his reaction after I returned from the Games. 

“He’ll never understand, Peeta. No matter how much we try and talk about it, it’s never gonna be the same. Not after everything we went through in that arena. Not after all the things we still have to deal with,” I said stubbornly picking at the fresh cheese bun he just served me straight from his oven. I’m pulled back to the warmth of his kitchen and the concentration in his brows as he continued to knead the dough and talk me into doing something I’d rather avoid forever.

“I don’t disagree with that. No one can understand this, not unless they survived the arena too. But he’s your best friend. You guys have been together for so long. It seems wrong to let you let that go to waste,” he argued. 

I wanted to tell him that he’s wrong. Gale isn’t my best friend anymore because I don’t think I could ever open up to him the way I now do with Peeta, especially after the way we left things the last time. But he was right that it feels wrong not to settle things with Gale after all these months being back in District 12.

“Why do you even bother? He’s not exactly your biggest fan, you know?” I said warily and was shocked that he responded with a loud laugh.

“I’m not his biggest fan either but that’s purely stemming from jealousy,” he says with a casual grin as he looks up and sees my blush. “I’m only human, Kat, I can’t help that. I’m sure it’s the same for him. But you guys were so close for so long and I can see that it bothers you. So I want to make sure you deal with that before it eats away at what little peace you have nowadays.”

Once again, I was rendered speechless by the pure soul that inhabits Peeta Mellark. If I were him I’d be ecstatic that the girl I held a torch for has stopped talking to the only seeming competition. But no, not Peeta. He’s too selfless to see things that way. 

“I can try. I can at least try before we have to leave again,” I conceded and watched his sad smile as he cleared the counter to knead more bread.

  
  


Now, I am sitting at the log where I hide my bow and arrow waiting for Gale to arrive. Coward that I am, I had stopped by his house and asked Rory to relay the invitation while he was still in the mines working. I didn’t want to face his rejection again, especially if it was a public one. I don’t even know if he’ll show and I’m not even sure what I’ll say to him if he does. But I promised Peeta I would do this and I don’t want to lie and say I did if I run away now. 

I hear the quiet practiced steps of a hunter and know he decided to join me today. He gives me a silent nod when I turn and see him and we hunt in silence, just like we always have. After taking down a few squirrels and a wild turkey, I finally decide we need to do more than silently hunt together.

“I’ve missed doing this,” I venture when I find a log to sit on. It’s true, hunting has mostly been a solitary activity for me now and I truly do miss the way we can silently communicate to bring down a kill that would put food in our family’s bellies. 

“Yeah, me too,” he says reluctantly and takes a seat next to me. We’re quiet for a few moments longer before I build the courage to speak again. I know this is what Peeta likes to call a “deep talk” and it’s hard enough to follow through with him let alone with Gale after months of distance. 

“When I came back I was so confused about everything I was feeling. I was seeing danger in every direction I looked, still am if I’m honest,” I tell him as I think back to a few days ago when I aimed an arrow at a doe and saw Marvel fall to the ground instead.

“I was feeling vulnerable and weak despite having just survived the Games. Most of all, I was feeling guilty. Guilty for lying to Peeta, who genuinely cared for me before all of this even began, guilty for feeling things for you that only complicated the idea of survival, guilty for not being able to save some of the tributes and for killing others. It was too much for any person to handle alone.” I say in my own defense. I don’t care if his ego was wounded, I need him to know that it was never even about him. It was about me and the horrors I was trying to navigate the moment I was taken from that arena. 

“You hurt me when you turned your back on me. I needed my friend, Gale. And you didn’t want to be that for me anymore. I don’t even know why and I don’t even know if you ever will.”

He sighs deeply, thinking of what words he wants to say to me after the torrent of words that fell from my lips. He’s not good at saying something either so I can imagine this won’t be easy.

“You were willing to risk everything in there for him with the berries. You put them in your mouth, Katniss. You could’ve ended it and come home to us, he gave you permission to. But your feelings for him clouded your judgement and you almost killed yourself for it,” he says with disgust. 

“And now, you’re parading around with him like a lovesick fool even though the cameras are gone. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. And...fine, I’m jealous.”

I take a moment to process his words. Peeta had advised me to do this while talking things over with Gale so I wouldn’t lose my temper and render this afternoon pointless. It was good advice. I inhaled the pine scented air a few times before responding.

“Being in there...it changes you in ways you can’t imagine. You were wrong, it’s nothing like hunting animals. I can’t honestly tell you what would’ve happened if the gamemakers hadn’t stopped us. But at the moment, I wanted to spit in their faces. I wanted to show them that I wasn’t going to be a pawn in their games,” I tell him as I recall Peeta’s words from the night before our games. They make more sense to me now than they ever have. 

“Of course I wanted to come home to you and to my family but I didn’t want to kill the last bit of my soul that remained  _ mine  _ to do it. I couldn’t kill an ally and a friend to do that. Looking back, I think I would’ve eaten the berries if it meant the Capitol couldn’t control me anymore.” I’m quiet for a moment as I try to figure out how much is safe to tell him. I don’t want to keep him in the dark but I also don’t want to burden him with the new reality of my life. The decision is made when I think about what it would feel like to be in his position.

“I need to tell you something,” I say seriously and he senses that it’s important because he shifts to look me in the eyes. “They didn’t take our stunt with the berries well. Snow hates that we showed them up. He will kill everyone we love if we don’t convince all of Panem that it was done for love of each other and not as some act of rebellion.”

“I--I’m in this for the long haul now, Gale. Even if...even if I wanted a different life, with a different person, I cannot put you all in danger to do so. Peeta and I are bound now, no matter what. We’re always going to have their attention. We’re mentors now. We can’t escape the Capitol and we can’t stop the lovesick act. My only defense was that I was so madly in love I wasn’t responsible for my actions _ ,”  _ I repeat Haymitch’s words to me from the night of the Games recap.

“That doesn’t mean I love you any less or that I don’t want you in my life. But if you can't accept the way things have to be now, how careful we have to be now, then I don’t see what more I can do,” I tell him. The emotion is hard to push through and I feel my throat and chest constrict painfully as I try not to get overwhelmed by the sobs I feel building within me.

“I’ve been an ass, Catnip,” he says with a weak smile. “I was too wrapped up in my own wounded ego and I’m sorry for that. I should’ve been there for you. I still want to be...if you’ll let me.” 

I feel my heart clench in happiness. I don’t entirely know where this leaves us but I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’ve missed my hunting partner. I’ve missed my friend.

“Do you...do you love him? I see you two together a lot. Is that just for show still?” he asks hesitantly, as if he’d rather I not answer him. It’s strange to see him this vulnerable and I wish I could spare him but if we’re ever going to move forward, he needs to know my truth. 

“It’s...complicated,” I say lamely. He gives me an expectant look and I force myself to admit things I’ve been trying to push down into myself. 

“I have feelings for him. I don’t know what they really mean yet. It’s new to me and for someone who has always been determined to be alone, this is hard. But I trust him and I care about him and I don’t know that I can go on without him in my life...not after everything we’ve been through together. And as much as I want to fight this because it’s yet another way the Capitol is controlling my life, I can’t ignore that he woke something up in that arena.” 

There. I said it. It’s out and there’s no taking it back. He looks disbelieving for a moment and then there’s a surety in his gaze.

“But you’re still not sure,” he states confidently, as if this is reason enough for him to try and convince me out of my feelings. ”And I can tell that the Capitol and the threats are muddling your mind.”

When I don’t answer him, he takes it as agreement and I feel him reach suddenly for my face. I freeze up and realize his intention until it’s too late for me to refuse it and he’s kissing me. 

I don’t push him away, lingering in the moment that I once imagined in my head. I tried to never really give it life, especially since I knew I would never want a family of my own. But sometimes I could see us living out our lives together, deep within the forest, away from the Capitol’s control. I’m curious enough to find out if it feels like I thought it would so I let him kiss me for a few moments, even moving my lips against his experimentally. 

“We should get back,” I say when we eventually pull apart. He smiles with more confidence and we leave the shelter of the woods. I don’t say much afterward as I’m still not sure what to make of the kiss. He seems to breathe a little easier, less tense then he’s been around me for months. I say nothing because I’m scared to ruin the delicate thing we just seemed to mend between us.

When the stars are bright and the moon is shining through dark night clouds, I contemplate going to Peeta’s. I want to tell him how it went. I want to tell him that we kissed. Mostly, I want to tell him that it didn’t feel the way it does when  _ we  _ kiss. 

I burrow deeper into my warm quilt and shut my eyes hoping the nightmares don’t wake everyone tonight.

*****

Before we know it, it’s time for the Victory Tour. It’s not as hard to be on camera with him as I expected now that he and I are so in tune with each other. Caesar is beside himself when we walk out of our houses and slip on a patch of ice. It seems natural, necessary even, to kiss Peeta sweetly before Caesar pulls us back to reality. 

Peeta tells him we’re doing great and that we’re happy to be this close to each other now. I know he’s saying it for their entertainment but I can tell he’s referring to more than just the physical location of our homes now. It makes me smile genuinely despite the horror I still feel from Snow’s visit. I wrestled with telling Peeta or Haymitch about the rebelling districts and the clear threats he made against all of our loved ones. 

It was shocking to see that he even caught the goodbye I shared with Gale. He had stolen a chance to kiss me goodbye this morning, as if he was reminding me he would be in District 12 waiting for me, despite everything Peeta and I were about to embark on together. It was enough to terrify me into silence. I’m still not ready to tell Peeta and Haymitch the extent of our troubles. I swallow the bile in my throat as I try to forget the smell of the rose he handed me. 


	4. Nightmares and Speeches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the tour continues, Katniss struggles with nightmares, phony speeches, a rebellion and her growing desire.

We go through the motions. We smile and wave and kiss for the cameras. The makeup is heavily caked on my dark under circles and no one can tell how utterly terrified I am to say the wrong thing again. He knows though. He senses it despite my perfectly clear and happy tone and he reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together tightly. He leans down to lay a tender kiss to my forehead and I tilt my face towards him and claim his lips softly. It feels natural and grounding and even if it’s for the cameras, it’s for me too. 

*****

“You’re favorite tea?” he asks as he pours us both a steaming cup of whatever the attendants left on the breakfast table this morning. 

“Mint,” I reply as I add a whopping spoonful of sugar into my cup. He laughs at the absurd amount of sweetener I'm using. 

“Obviously, you don’t enjoy as much sugar as I do. But what’s your favorite?” I ask.

“Chamomile, and if there’s lavender I like to add just a bit of that too,” he says. Of course he would like that. It’s such a soothing blend, like him. It’s nice to still share bits of ourselves as we navigate the hell we’re dragged into every day. It’s almost a game of our own now. When it occurs to one of us that we don’t know the answer to a simple question about the other, we ask it. After months of this I’d like to think we’ve gotten to know each other rather well. It sometimes feels like we’ve been lucky enough to have years of friendship instead of merely months.

“Well mine is whiskey, thanks for asking,” interrupts Haymitch as he knocks over the creamer in his attempt to grab a sweet treat from across the table. I snort with laughter, the absurdity of it all making me forget how miserable we actually are. Peeta smiles as he watches me laugh and he throws Haymitch another sweet bun that he deflects easily. It ricochets off his hand and right into Effie’s porridge. 

“Manners!” she shouts at us after the porridge has flown all over her perfectly manicured outfit. That just makes us all burst into gut wrenching laughter. She pretends to be upset but I’m sure I don’t imagine the smile on her lips as she wipes herself clean.

****

“How come I never know when you’re having a nightmare?” I ask him one night as we’re cuddled in bed, feeding off of each other’s warmth. 

“I don't know. I don't think I cry out or thrash around or anything. I just come to, paralyzed with terror,” he says.

“You should wake me,” I say, thinking about how I can interrupt his sleep two or three times on a bad night. About how long it can take to calm me down. After the first night on the train it has become an unspoken rule that we no longer sleep alone. It doesn’t matter if we’re in a fancy hotel lounge, in our train compartments, or if we’re napping in the car on our way to the next mansion, we stay together. It’s the only way either of us has found even an ounce of peace in slumber. 

“My nightmares are usually about losing you. I’m okay once I realize you’re here,” he says so easily and I feel my cheeks heat with the realization that we are wrapped in each other’s arms so intimately. 

We’ve become close over the past few months and we know what the end game has to be now, especially after seeing some of the district uprisings. We are playing the long game now and though we’ve accepted that things have shifted now that we’re on the train and on the tour. He still says and does things that show me he loves me but now I find that I want to reciprocate that and not just when the cameras are on us. 

I look up to him and see he’s watching my reaction, hoping he didn’t overstep with his loving confession. I smile softly, letting him know it’s okay and find myself reaching up to kiss him. It’s quick and chaste but he wraps his arms around me tighter when I settle my head on his chest for the night. 

When I wake up screaming from another night terror, he’s there to gently pull me out of it. He can’t get me to focus on reality, not when the mutts are still pulling at my charred skin, and in a desperate attempt to snap me out of it, I feel his lips crash into mine as he holds my face in his hands. 

“Come back, Katniss, come back to me,” he whispers fervently before molding his soft lips to mine. When the only thing I can focus on is the heat in my belly he gently pulls away and puts his forehead to mine as we catch our breaths.

“You okay?” he whispers softly, afraid to break the spell.

“I am now,” I say honestly as I contemplate whether I should give in to my feelings and reach back for his lips. He makes the decision for me when he kisses my forehead and tucks me back into his side to get more sleep before we have to face the day. It’s a long time before I can drift off to sleep and my racing heart has nothing to do with the nightmare I had.

****

“Just direct your words to one anonymous person. Make believe that they’re a good person and that you don’t hate them. It helps you sound more genuine when you’re saying this crap,” he says to me. It’s become evident, halfway through our tour of Panem that I am the weak link on our team. No matter how hard I try to make my words sound genuine, if you know what to listen for you could almost hear the absolute revulsion I feel for the Capitol and the Games. 

“Peeta, I’m not like you! I’m not likeable, at least not when you’re not there next to me, and I can’t just pretend that what the cards say isn’t horseshit!” I shout in frustration as I throw Effie’s speech cards on the floor. I regret the tantrum almost immediately as he sighs and reaches forward to pick up the mess. I know he’s trying his best to coach me since I really don’t seem to take in Effie’s lessons and I’m just being difficult.

“I’m sorry,” I say as I get down to help him with the cards. He sits back, leaning against the velvet sofa of the fancy hotel we are in this morning. I sit next to him and lean my head on his shoulder. 

“It’s okay. I know this isn’t easy for you. It isn’t easy for me either. I just...I remind myself that my honeyed words are just a tool that helps keep you and our families a little bit safer. Every word of horseshit I say is insurance that you’re safe for another day,” he says gently as he sorts the cards for me.

“You’re right. I just need to remember what the goal is and I can do it,” I say, determined to be as good as he is for the crowds today. We are in a district that is on the cusp of rebellion and that adds pressure on me to make sure I please Snow with my performance.

“If it gets to be too much for you, just squeeze my hand and I can take over. You won’t be out there alone, Kat,” he reminds me. I nod my head and kiss his cheek before getting up to rehearse the words again before our prep teams come find us.


	5. The Boy with the Bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone's coming to terms with her feelings...

“You did well tonight,” Haymitch says gruffly as we walk back into the lavish hotel. It’s late and I want to be back on the train heading to the next district so we can get it over with but the schedule doesn’t have us leaving until late in the morning tomorrow. I’m tugging at my sleeves, trying to divest myself of the latest evening costume I had to wear for yet another feast held in our honor. It’s a beautiful piece, clearly Cinna’s work, but it’s late and I’m ready for the simplicity and comfort of a night gown. 

Peeta makes his way to the lounge area and sits down with a tired huff as Haymitch pours himself a drink. Effie has even joined us and we have to talk about some of the people we met this evening. 

“Peeta, darling, you were wonderful with the mayor. You’ve certainly made a lasting positive impression,” beams Effie proudly. 

“You too, sweetheart,” adds Haymitch as I wander over to the machine that makes the hot cocoa drinkI’ve come to love. “You complimented Peeta’s conversation well. If I didn’t know you hated everything and everyone I could believe you were genuinely happy to be there,” he says with a rueful grin as he downs his drink. Effie scoffs at him as she daintily sips the drink he poured her. I notice she doesn’t deny his words though.

“She doesn’t hate _everyone_ ,” Peeta defends me as I reach him with a piping hot drink. He takes it gratefully and holds his arm out casually for me to cuddle in next to him as best as I can in the restricting gown I’m in. I hum contentedly as I sip the drink and relax from the stress of the evening. 

“It’s true. I only mildly despise one person in this room,” I say with a grin as I stare pointedly at Haymitch. I feel Peeta’s laughter build in his body as he holds me. Effie spits half her drink in laughter as Haymitch rolls his eyes dramatically.

“Sweetheart, you couldn’t hate me if you tried,” he retorts with a grin and it hits me that this is nice. This feels like a normal evening with family. I’m happy to be here, in Peeta's arms and with Effie and Haymitch despite the circumstances. 

“So, I think we should talk about some of the positives of conversation tonight in the hopes that it will make your time in the Capitol a little easier,” Effie chimes in. Effie wears the perfect Capitol mask but I think I’ve always known that there is so much more to her than meets the eye. She never says anything remotely treasonous, yet somehow, I know that she is aware of the dire situation we’re all in. 

Haymitch nods in agreement and I notice how they too work in perfect unison, even if they bicker about everything. It’s been years for them and despite the facade they show everyone else, these two are as bonded as Peeta and I will be for the rest of our lives. They’ve lost countless children together and I can’t even imagine what their lives together have been like.

I finish my hot cocoa and fiddle with the pins in my hair that have been biting into my scalp all night. I’m tired and barely listening but I see that Peeta is taking all the mental notes for the both of us so I can afford to check out a bit. He absently reaches for my hands and swats them away from my head when he notices that I’m doing more harm than good in the nest of hairpins and hairspray. His deft hands pull pins strategically while listening to Effie give pointers. Eventually I lean my head into his lap and let him card his fingers gently through my hair, detangling it and massaging the sore scalp. I chime in every now and then but mostly I’m purring like a kitten in his lap as his fingers lull me to sleep. 

I realize that I did, in fact, fall asleep because he’s carrying me to bed. I vaguely hear Haymitch tease him about how he’s practicing to be the perfect husband. I just cling to Peeta more as he shuts our bedroom door with a swing of his hip. 

*****

When I can’t shake off the nightmare that night I decide to take a shower. He didn’t try to get me out of the fancy dress, always thoughtful of my boundaries, and let me cuddle into his side in the restricting outfit. I see he’s in his shorts and undershirt, always too warm even with the window cracked open. I slowly disintengle myself from him and strip off the dress on my way to the shower. 

The warm water is a welcome feeling after the horrible nightmare I was able to wake myself out of without stirring Peeta. He must’ve sensed my body tensing and unconsciously he stroked my back until I woke without screaming.

I take the time to think about what frightened me the most in the dream. Cinna told me it might help cope with the nightmares if I face it head on and break it down. Peeta paints his nightmares as a form of therapy but I can’t do that and sometimes I can’t talk about them, not even with him. 

So as I stand in the falling water I think about the latest nightmare and realize once again that the fear stems from losing them and being powerless to do anything about it. It was Prim at first and she was dragged through the meadow by mutts as we picked dandelions. Then it was Peeta, hacked to death by Cato and a flaming sword. I was out of arrows both times. Cinna is right, I don't want to relive the nightmares but it helps to acknowledge the fear comes from feeling helpless. Knowing that they are both alive and well is a welcome reassurance when I wake up. I take a deep breath after washing the shampoo out of my hair and step out of the warmth.

It’s still late, hours before I need to be up again and I can see the dark circles already forming under my eyes. With a warm plush bath towel wrapped around me I start combing through my wet hair after applying the many lotions and oils my prep team asked me to use on my face. They say I need to help them cover up my restless nights and I comply because it’s the least I can do for my little pets. They may be self-centered and obtuse but it’s not always their fault and I’ve come to appreciate them as they are. Who knows what type of person I would be today if I had grown up with a full belly and the customs of the Capitol.

I’m broken from my reverie when I hear his moans and I have no doubt he’s battling his own demons in sleep. I don’t think twice as I drop the brush I was holding and bolt back into the bedroom only to see him thrashing around, hands seeking my side of the bed and coming up with nothing. 

“Peeta...Peeta, wake up. I’m right here. It’s okay,” I say as I sit next to him and try to wake him from his nightmare. I see his eyes start to open and I can see the moment he comprehends it was just another nightmare because there is visible relief in his blue eyes as he registers me sitting next to him. 

He drags a hand to his face, as if he’s shielding me from the pain of his nightmare and I pull it away, lacing my fingers with his instead and wiping the sweat-drenched blond curls that are sticking to his forehead. 

“I thought...it was a bad one...and I didn’t feel you next to me. I’m sorry,” he finally says hoarsely without opening his eyes. It upsets me that he feels the need to apologize, not after I wake him night after night, sometimes multiple times. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I couldn’t sleep and took a shower to wash off all the makeup they put on me tonight,” I say softly as I continue to stroke his hair until his breathing is back to normal. He opens his eyes then and appraises my appearance with mirth.

It’s either the fact that he’s still not fully awake or he’s getting bolder but he offers me an impish grin as he mumbles something about appreciating the view. I roll my eyes and throw a pillow over his face to hide the blush I’m too embarrassed for him to see. Before I can climb off the bed, he pulls me in suddenly and I know he hasn’t completely shaken the nightmare off because he clings to me for a long time before he lets me go. 

“I’m just gonna put on some clothes,” I say softly as I pull myself from his arms momentarily. 

“I wouldn’t mind if you stayed in that towel,” he mumbles impishly.

“Of course you wouldn’t,” I say grinning as I roll my eyes at him. I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t expect it to, not with everything else going on, but I find that I enjoy his flirtatious banter and his attention more than ever. I enjoy finding comfort in his arms and I can admit to myself now that I look forward to it. 

My feelings for Peeta were always complicated but I know that Gale has never made me feel as safe and loved as Peeta does. I’ve never felt the heat in my body with him the way I feel with Peeta. And suddenly, the fact that our lives are so intricately intertwined now and always, doesn’t feel like a burden. I never wanted to get married or have kids but knowing that Peeta will be at my side is a comfort I never expected to have. I’ve had a lot of rotten luck up until this point in my life, and I’m determined now to enjoy the gift the universe gave me when they made my district partner Peeta Mellark.

I slip into a night dress and quietly make my way back to him. I know he’s not asleep, not by the way he’s laying, waiting for me to come back. I’m glad I dimmed the lights low so he can’t see the rosy hue on my skin from the blush thoughts of our future brought to my skin. 

I slip under the covers and we instantly and easily find ourselves embracing. I can feel his fingers gently grazing my back and my arm and I’m sure he feels the gooseflesh his touch is producing. 

“Sorry,” he mutters softly and stops. I don’t want him to stop though. I feel the flames stirring low in my belly and I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m not sure what he’d think of my desire. I don’t want him to think it’s meaningless. I don’t want him to think it’s me giving into the situation and settling for him since we’re doomed to the whims of Snow and the Capitol. I want him to know it’s me...it’s truly me and the influence of everyone else has nothing to do with the fire raging inside of me for him. 

“It’s okay,” I say to him and before I can stop myself, I am pressing a soft kiss to the crook of his neck. I feel him stiffen slightly, unsure of what I want so I make it obvious to him and I press another gentle kiss higher, closer to his jaw. He makes a noise that shouldn’t kindle the fire in me this much and shifts his head closer to me, taking my lips into his own firmly.

It’s gentle, as is everything Peeta does for me, but I can feel his need as he presses his lips to mine again and again and tentatively swipes his tongue across my lips. I’m suddenly making soft whimpering noises, ones I didn’t even know I could make, as I allow him entry and let him explore my mouth like no one ever has. It’s now a battle of tongues, each eager to gain dominance and I can't believe we’ve never done this before. It’s glorious and intimate and so much better than I thought it could be.

Somewhere in the back of my brain I’m thinking that this would be strange to do with any other boy. I would be hesitant and maybe even disgusted to be doing this with anyone else but never with Peeta. With him, this feels like the absolute inevitable and I can feel a fire in me that only he can tame. 

I’m panting as his lips part from mine and let me finally breathe. He keeps busy though, trailing languorous kisses down my neck and collarbone. Part of me suddenly wishes I hadn’t changed out of the bath towel, not that this silk nightdress is much more modest. I feel him pressing into me and I grip his shoulders tightly, cursing the fabric that’s still covering him. He sucks on my pulse point and I moan loudly, pulling him back to my mouth. I can feel his hands traveling the length of my body, appreciating the thin material of the night dress. I can’t help myself when I reach under his shirt and feel the scorching skin of his back and his chest. My fingers explore idly as we continue to kiss until we’re breathless.

I feel him hesitantly at the hem of my nightdress. It already rode up when I wrapped my leg around his waist. We’re laying on our sides, wrapped up and we finally look each other in the eyes. Blue and gray burning like embers in a fire.

“You can if you want to,” I say against his lips. He seems to know I’m referring to the night dress and his hands dance on the hemline, dipping under it and caressing my skin briefly before he pulls them back up and settles them on my waist instead. 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but maybe we should slow down…” he says and it sounds more like a question than a statement. I tense up briefly, self-conscious that he regrets everything we just did, and I try to pull away from such an intimate position. 

“No,” he says quickly and pulls my leg back over his waist and clings to me. “I don’t want to stop. You _know_ I don’t want to,” he says against my lips and I can feel the physical proof that he really doesn’t between us. “I just think it’s all really new for us. And I don’t want you to regret any of it, not if this is only because our emotions are running rampant after a nightmare or because of the need to be so _physical_ with each other on this tour ,” he says sadly. 

He doesn’t believe this is real. He doesn’t see that the fire he stokes in me is more than an act for the cameras. I don’t know how to tell him this but I know I need to try because I’m overcome with feelings for this boy that I can’t seem to bottle up any longer. This boy who wants me physically and emotionally and refuses to take advantage of the heat of the moment. 

“You know it’s not just...it’s not for the cameras anymore, Peeta. You know that right?” I whisper against his lips. I can’t look him in the eye yet so I lean my forehead to his and hope he understands that being this vulnerable is difficult for me still but it doesn’t make the statement any less true.

“I know,” he says and kisses my lips softly. He doesn’t let it build though and pulls away to look me in the eye. He’s always been the better of the two at talking through emotions. “But you know why I think we need to slow down right? I don’t want you to rush through your emotions before you can really sort them out,” he says as he plays with a strand of my damp hair.

“And if I told you that I've been sorting for a really long while now?” I challenge him softly. It’s not meant to be an argument to what he said, because he’s absolutely right, but it’s more of an assurance that I'm closer to understanding my feelings than he might think I am.

“Then that just means we’re almost there. No need to to be so impatient,” he says with a smile. I kiss him then, trying to devour that smile and keep it in me forever. I don’t let the passion take over but I want to make sure he feels everything I’m feeling in that moment. I want him to know I appreciate his patience. I want him to know that I trust him completely. And I want him to know that I love him, more than I ever thought I could, because I do. For the first time I can admit to myself that I love him. The boy with the bread who snuck up on me and made a home in my heart where I thought there was room for no one else. 

“Thank you,” I say when we break apart.

“For what, sweetheart?” he asks and the endearment warms my heart in such a different way than Haymitch’s nickname ever has. 

“For being you. For tossing me that bread. For being with me now. For giving me a future I never thought I wanted. I couldn’t do this with anyone else. We’re surviving, sure, but you make me want to _live_ ,” I say to him. The emotion is heavy in my low voice and I struggle not to let the tears stream. 

For once, he seems to be at a loss for words and just pulls me in tighter. We’re so wrapped up in each other that I can’t tell where one of us starts and the other ends. 

“I love you,” he says softly in my ear as he tucks my head under his chin, always shielding me and surrounding me with his warmth. 

“I know,” I say suddenly sleepily in his neck. “Me too,” I whisper to him before I have time to overthink.

We sleep late into the morning and no one one disturbs us until it’s absolutely necessary to get up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finding that it's a lot harder to make the slow burn believable than you originally plan for. Hoping this doesn't seem rushed or too much out of character. Obviously, our girl is out of character in this fic but she's kind of supposed to be when it comes to her dough boy.


	6. I Don't Want To Trap You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short but pivotal chapter.

We’re almost to the Capitol now. We’ll be arriving tomorrow and we’ve had time to just relax before the chaos of the grand finale. Haymitch and Effie have helped coach us on what to expect with Caesar Flickerman tonight. I know that Peeta is going to propose to me on live television. I also know that he’s been quiet today, and has retreated into himself.

“Where’s the boy? Haymitch asks me after I’ve woken from a much needed nap. I’m picking at the lunch that has been laid out in the common area for us as Haymitch and Effie enjoy lunch together. It’s nice to see him mostly sober and having what seems to be a nice afternoon with Effie. 

“He’s in our room. I think he’s drawing. I know he’s a little tense about tonight,” I say as I pile on some cheese, fresh bread, deli meats and fruits onto a plate for Peeta. He hasn’t eaten since this morning and I know he won’t be coming out of the room anytime soon. 

“So it’s our room now,” Haymitch teases as he sips his spiked lemonade. Effie smacks his arm to hush him but I can see the smile on her lips as she refuses to meet my eyes. I refuse to be ashamed by his teasing and hold my own when I tell him we rest better when we’re together. 

“Oh, I’m sure you do, sweetheart,” he says with a mischievous grin and a wink. I roll my eyes and ignore his implication since, truth be told, he’s not totally wrong. He may be a drunk, but he’s not stupid. He’s had a front row seat to our complicated relationship from the start and I know he knows that it’s more than just an act of survival for me now. My hunter’s ears have accidentally caught snippets of conversation between him and Effie and, though it should bother me that they converse about my developing relationship with Peeta on their own, it doesn’t really annoy me since I trust them both.

“Hand me some of that dragon fruit,” I say to him instead, pointing with my eyes at the bowl he’s been nibbling on. My hands are full with the glass of lemonade and plate piled high with food.

“You’re hungry today, sweetheart. I thought you didn’t like dragon fruit?” he comments off-handedly as he tosses several diced pieces of the fruit on my plate. 

“I hate it,” I admit to him, “But Peeta loves it and he hasn’t eaten anything since he nibbled on that scone this morning. I figured he’s hungry and just doesn’t realize it since he’s so pulled into his sketching right now,” I respond as I try to balance the food and drink without spilling anything. Effie smiles sweetly as she daintily cuts her food into tiny pieces for consumption. I know there will be more for them to unpack when I leave them alone. 

“That’s very thoughtful of you, Katniss. I’m sure he’s going to appreciate it,” she says and when she thinks I don’t see it, she reaches for Haymitch’s hand and squeezes it gently. They have their own silent language and I don’t try to understand it. I just go see my boy and hope he wants to talk about what’s really bothering him.

I struggle with the door briefly but eventually get inside the room and see him sprawled out on the bed with his sketchbook in hand. There’s a wrinkle of concentration in his forehead and he doesn’t even notice me entering until I set the plate of food down next to him. 

“Hey,” he says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I frown slightly and he pulls me in for a quick kiss before I sit down next to him to pick at the treats I’ve brought.

“I’m sorry, Kat. I don’t mean to be such a grump today,” he says before popping a piece of fruit into his mouth.

“Peeta, you don’t need to apologize about that. Today won’t be easy. You’re allowed to be upset,” I tell him honestly and hope he feels comfortable opening up more. There’s a comfortable silence as we eat our lunch together. When he finishes the last bite of bread I know he’s ready to talk. 

“I just...I don’t want to trap you. And that’s what it feels like I’m forced to do. I know you have feelings for me and I know that given time we can build the relationship we both want together. But right now, I feel like they’re robbing us of a really special moment that I would have eventually wanted us to have on our own time when we’re both ready to take that step.I mean...here I am asking you to marry me when I’ve never even gotten to ask you to be my girlfriend,” he says with a disbelieving chuckle. 

I’m overcome with love for him then. He’s not bothered about anything other than wanting to marry me when the time was right for me. I know he’s loved me for years and I know that the marriage doesn’t scare him like it does me, so once again, his discomfort comes from wanting to make sure I am comfortable. 

“Peeta,” I say as I reach for his hand and lace my fingers through his charcoal stained ones, “You know that I don’t blame you for this right? I am angry that they are forcing us both to do this and that we’ve become a spectacle for the Capitol, but I’m not angry with you. Not at all. I know that this is what we need to do to keep our families safe but I also...I feel like this would have been inevitable for us anyway. I’m not upset about marrying you, Peeta. I could do worse as far as grooms go,” I say playfully, hoping to lighten his mood. His brilliant grin tells me I've succeeded in lightening the burden he carried.

“I want it to be real, is all,” he admits with a sheepish shrug of his shoulders. I lean over and kiss his lips, still tasting the sweetness of the fruits he ate, and I assure him that it is real, at least for us. 

“I don’t care about the parties or the show or what the Capitol thinks. I just want to go through this hellish life with you at my side. So if we have to speed things up for them, that’s okay with me because I know you’re not trapping me. And,” I hesitate with my next words because Inever thought I’d say them to anyone, “if...if you want to we can have our own toasting ceremony and make it ours one day. Is that okay with you?” I ask. I hope that I haven’t overstepped on these new shores we’re exploring together but I can tell by his smile that he is far from upset.

“You’d want to have a toasting with me?” he asks and I laugh at his sudden shyness as he looks anywhere but at me.

“It’s no secret that I never wanted to be married or have kids,” I tell him with a shrug of my shoulder. Kids...well there are several reasons why that terrifies me more than anything and it’s going to have to be a conversation we have at a later time. One of his “deep talks”

“...but...well...I can see the marriage thing differently now,” I continue, “And I don’t know when I’ll be ready to really do that but I also never thought I could have feelings like the ones I have now for you so it’s not fair to rule any of it out, right?” He pulls me into a hug and I cling to his side as the tension leaves his shoulders. 

“Okay. I can deal with that. I can get through tonight,” he says more to himself than to me. Later that night, when he proposes to me in front of all of Panem, my smile and my tears of joy, though wildly exaggerated, are actually quite genuine because no matter what, I do love him and I know we’ll get through it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always imagine that Katniss would be more open to marriage if she had just been able to get to know Peeta with a little less drama between them, especially if she recognizes that they're not ever "getting off the train" anyway. Kids are a whole other story though...


	7. A Delicate Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up for our star-crossed lovers :)

“You know you can call her. Victor’s Village has working telephones,” he says. I know he knows I want to check in with Prim but I can’t bring myself to have a conversation with her over a phone line that is most definitely bugged. I can imagine that she and everyone else back home are probably shocked by Peeta’s proposal from last night.

I know I owe her and my mother an explanation but I just can’t talk about my new status as Peeta’s  fiancé I think to myself as I stare at the beautiful emerald ring on my finger. It shines luminously with my favorite color and the simple cut is more my style than anything I’ve seen the Capitolites wearing . I’m not one for jewelry but knowing that he actually had a say in this item makes me actually appreciate the gift.

I can admit that a part of me is scared to hear how Gale reacted. I know now that he and I were never good for each other; we are far too similar in temperament to make it work, but I love him in a way that still makes me feel guilty for any heartache I might have caused him in my confusion. I look back on things now and know that my feelings for him always stemmed from fear and isolation. I was never in love with him and he deserves someone who will think of him like I think of Peeta. So, coward that I am, I tell Peeta I’d rather just wait until we’re home to talk to her. 

*****

His prep team has already finished dressing him for the ball at President Snow’s house tonight. I am nowhere near ready as my prep team buzzes around me manically working on my fingernails and my toenails and my eyebrows and everything in between. Peeta came in to lounge on our bed while they worked to render me beautiful for tonight. It’s a first, as he usually spends time with Haymitch and Effie while they prepare me for the evenings, but I find that his conversation helps balance the nonsense chatter that my Capitolite pets tend to spew out. 

“I don’t think it’s fair that Kat has to sit in this makeup chair for hours just to get ready while I’m ready to go as soon as Portia fixes my hair and gets me in my clothes,” he says. He’s teasing me more than anything and I roll my eyes at him and ask if he’d like them to do his nails as well. 

“Noooooo, I’m alright. I don’t get why your toes matter. No one can see them anyway,” he says as Venia puts on the last coat of lacquer on my toes. 

“You’re telling me you don’t appreciate all the work we put in to make your  fiancée look her best? I’d think you, who gets to see what no one else does, would appreciate all the pampering we give her,” says Octavia with a wink. I blush furiously and Peeta laughs it off and tells them he  _ really _ appreciates it. I groan in embarrassment and focus on the pain of Flavius plucking at stray hairs on my brows. 

Eventually, I can’t hide my dissatisfaction as they pull and pin my hair up. I can already sense the migraine I’ll have later because of this.  _ Beauty is pain _ is what they always remind me and still, I grouse and complain as they braid my hair intricately into a glamorous Capitol-approved updo. When they’re done, I take a final deep breath knowing that the outfit is likely going to be restricting. 

“Darling, go change into the delicates we picked,” Octavia says to me. As I turn toward the bed where the clothes were laid out I’m met with Peeta holding up the lacey, and basically nonexistent, fabric meant to pass as underwear. My mouth drops as he flings the panties in my direction like a rubber band and gives his genuine thanks to the prep team for their  _ fantastic  _ choices. I’m bright red as I catch the panties and smack his arm in embarrassment. He laughs raucously as I chase him to the door.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, Kat!” He says while trying to reign in the laughter and pleading for forgiveness. I can’t deny him anything when he turns on the charm and my scowl eases into a reluctant grin. He leans in suddenly and pulls me into a kiss. It’s the most affection we’ve genuinely shown each other in public, not that anyone else would know the difference, but I ease into it and wrap my arms around his neck as he dips me low and laughs as the team chides him for smudging my makeup. 

“Can’t wait to see those  _ delicates  _ later,” he whispers wickedly and the embers have fanned to full flames before he’s out the door. 

“You two better be using protection. We’re too young to be aunties and uncles,” Flavius teases and I turn tomato red under the layer of makeup. Suddenly, I’m very eager to get this night over with so we can come back to our room.

******

We didn’t do it. We couldn’t convince him. Everything we did to show them our love was real didn’t work. I don’t know why I’m surprised. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what we do because nothing will ever be enough for Snow. After my initial terror as he shakes his head at me subtly, I feel a new sense of twisted freedom. It’s like the chains that have been holding me down this whole tour, torturing me as I wondered whether I did enough to satisfy Snow, have fallen off. We’re nowhere near out of danger, in fact, we’re probably heading to a whole new hell, but at least now I can stop wondering. I know we failed at an impossible task because we  _ do  _ love each other and Snow has simply never planned to let us win this rigged game. Whatever comes next, we can face it together. 

After an exhausting evening I just want to go home, even though home is just a fancy train tonight. I want to climb into bed with Peeta and forget about everything. I know today was hard for him as well, he came dangerously close to treason when he was offered the drink that would allow him to keep gorging himself.

As I wipe the makeup from my face and pull the last pins from my hair, I tell him about my odd encounter with Heavensbee and then, since I know we are finally alone, I tell him that Snow made it clear to me we failed. I see his face drop in fear and disappointment. His chest rises and falls as the panic sets in and he lets himself drop unceremoniously onto the lounge chair in the room. His head is in his hands and I don’t know what I can say or do now to ease his panic.

“Hey, hey it’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this,” I say as I hear him muttering about the safety of our family and how we’ll never be free.

“How?! Katniss, he will kill them all! Haymitch had a family once. He didn’t even incite a rebellion and Snow killed everyone he cared about anyway. What do you think is going to happen to us?!” he shouts and it’s the first time I’ve seen him really lose control like this. I see a wild fear in his eyes and I’m scared that I won’t be able to help him get through this. 

“We’re going to do what we need to do to make sure they’re safe. You and me. We’re in this together now and always, Peeta. You hear me, now and always,” I say as I kneel in front of him and take his face into mine like he usually does when I can’t find my way out of a nightmare. I hold his gaze the way he always does for me and help pull him out of this spiral. 

_ “Always, _ ” I repeat to him until his breathing has steadied and his gaze has lost the anxious panic. I see that the wild animalistic panic has left his eyes only to be replaced by something entirely different. The heat is rising quickly in his gaze and I'm grateful that we share this wild need for each other.

“Always,” he repeats to me as he captures my lips with his own. The embers that burn near constantly in me now are fanned to blazing flames in seconds. In each other’s arms we’re able to let go of the fear and anxiety that fights to rule us. I feel his gentle arms pull me in closer and hold me there with a pleasurable force. He holds himself back a lot, always putting my own comfort and boundaries before his own, but as his hands struggle with control, I boldly straddle his lap and show him he doesn’t need to show that much restraint. 

His hands grip my thighs as I push onto him, knowing exactly what the motion is doing to him. He holds his hands at the hem of the silk night dress I changed into. I never felt beautiful or alluring before but the way his hands are bunching the delicate fabric makes me feel confident and sexy and more hungry for him than I ever thought was possible. I thought I knew hunger before but I’m finding that I was quite wrong. 

“Peeta,” I murmur against his lips as I reach for his shirt and pull it off of him. I take a moment to admire his body and then I boldly sit up enough for him to slip the silk nightdress off of me. His eyes widen and I see a darkness there I’ve never seen in his gentle gaze as he caresses my thighs in appreciation. I lift my arms above my head and feel my breath hitch as his hands slowly, torturously, ease the fabric off of me. I’m not wearing a bra since the evening’s dress didn’t require it and I left the dangerous black lace underwear he had jokingly flung at me earlier. I gulp, suddenly overcome with a bout of self-consciousness. I try to cover myself and before I have the chance to, he stops my hands and kisses me tenderly.

“So beautiful…” he murmurs against my lips. “So fucking beautiful, Kat,” he says as he trails kisses along my jaw and neck. It’s jarring to hear him swear since he never does, but it makes the heat in my lower belly rise to hear him say so. When he reaches my collarbone my breath is so uneven I can’t stop my chest from rising and falling and I can tell he’s enjoying the view right before he reaches his lips and kisses my breast fervently.

I’ve never felt anything quite like this. I’ve never felt such pleasure and it’s making me do things I never thought I would, like moan his name wantonly and likely loud enough for anyone on the train to hear. But I don’t care. I don’t care as I find myself grinding down on him and feeling the wetness at my own center unashamedly making itself known. He moves to lavish my other breast as he teases its twin with his free hand. I hold his head in place and lean back without hesitation, giving him all the access he needs. 

I’m a mewling mess. Putty in his hands. He’s holding my entire body from falling backwards, cradling me closer to him with his free arm at the center of my back as I squirm around uncontrollably seeking a release I’ve only ever heard of. 

Without warning he stands up and stumbles off the lounge chair and into one of the walls. He leans me against it and I wrap my legs around his waist without hesitation as I search for his lips once more. I can feel he’s fumbling with the boxer shorts he usually sleeps in and I find myself pushing them lower with my own legs. He chuckles at my impatience and gets clear of them before carrying me over to the bed. 

I knew he was strong, I've seen him lifting hundred pound sacks of flour with ease, but there is something so much more enticing about the way he lifted me up with absolute ease. Gently, he lays me down and follows after. He hovers over me, trying not to trap me under his own weight but I pull him down eagerly, needing to feel his blazing skin on my own. 

“Is...is this okay?” he asks with more restraint than I thought possible in the moment. I nod quickly, not letting his mouth separate from mine for more than a few mere moments. I can feel that I need more and I want him to touch me. I’ve rarely had the opportunity to do it myself but I’m eager to feel him touch me now. I’m craving it more than anything and I gently pull his hand from my breast and lead him down. He hesitates for a moment and I give him permission with an eager nod of my head. He gently peels off the last layer of fabric between us and I laugh, thinking that these  _ delicates  _ were the last thing to come off. He catches my thoughts and chuckles as he flicks them off to the side and admires me, naked and burning for him to continue.

I’m no longer self-conscious. We’ve seen each other in our most vulnerable states and I know there is nothing more beautiful than what I’m seeing now. He’s beautiful from his gorgeous blue eyes to his prosthetic leg. He exudes strength and love and I can see in his eyes that he feels those things for me. I trust him with my life and now, without a doubt in my mind, I trust him with my body. 

“I...don’t know if I'm doing this right,” he admits between kisses and I guide his hand to a rhythm I enjoy. He knows enough on his own, though. Having grown up with two good-looking older brothers, I imagine he’s heard plenty of stories.

“You’re doing...great. So... good,” I find myself encouraging him between gasps and mewls. I can tell his confidence is boosted when he makes me peak and I want more. I'm not even done riding the waves of that release when I’m already eager for more. I reach for him tentatively and feel him for the first time. 

“Katniss,” he says with a sharp intake of breath, “God Kat, if you don’t stop doing that playtime will be done sooner than you want,” he warns with a low chuckle. I can’t help responding with my own breathy laugh, so grateful that even in an intimate moment like this we haven’t lost the ability to banter with each other. 

And then I feel him settle himself over me carefully. I pull him to me gently, kissing him tenderly as he eases into me. The pain is sharp but it’s over quicker than I expected. I urge him to move eventually and I can tell it’s taking a lot of self control to be gentle. But he is. He is gentle and loving and he worships me with every kiss and touch until I see stars once more. Only then does he let go himself and I can tell it’s just as good for him as it was for me. 

He drops on me, spent and in a daze. I can feel him placing lazy kisses to my neck, still unable to move himself off of me. I hold him in place, not willing to let him go yet, and enjoy his comforting weight on me. My hands are tracing the muscles on his back and finally I feel him shifting so I unwind my leg from his waist. 

“Are you okay?” he asks me when he’s eventually caught his breath. I chuckle softly because “okay” is definitely not the word I would use. 

“I’m so much better than okay, Peeta,” I murmur to him as he rests his head on my chest. I place kisses on his temple as he wraps his arm and leg around me. 

“That was amazing, Kat. I can’t imagine anything better than that,” he admits sheepishly as he kisses my collarbone lazily. I laugh and enjoy his loving attention for a bit longer before pulling him up to look at me. 

“I love you, Peeta Mellark. This was everything to me.  _ You _ are everything to me. Now and always. Never forget that,” I tell him as exhaustion finally hits me. 

“I love you too, Katniss. Now and always,” he says before we drift off into a dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated on making this happen now or later but figured what the heck! No point in debating it too much since this is fun and I don't plan to ever let writing become too stressful. Hope you enjoyed :)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting a fic. I usually write to soothe my anxiety and lately that's been a constant need. I tend to write these when stories bug me enough to change things or when I can see a potential for MORE. I love hearing feedback (especially if y'all spot errors/inconsistencies) and I'm happy to chat about mutual obsessions. Hope you enjoy! :)


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